The General Feedback thread (Post your W.I.P.'s!)

[Spin Attaxx]

What program are you using? I would recommend using whatever the pen tool's equivalent (Linework in SAI, Pen tool in Photoshop, etc.) is if you want quality line art.

I use GIMP. I used to use the line tool to ink my stuff, but I felt that having to place dot after dot after dot only to pray that maybe I didn't misplace one dot causing the line to be borked was the worst thing. Basically, I found it too time consuming and it would get really fiddly around smaller parts.

[Diogenes]

Rolling: When rolling I think the controls should have a more subtle influence than they currently do. What I mean is you holding back while on a slope and rolling shouldn't dead stop you.

Yeah Sonic's turning while rolling should definitely be a lot tighter imo

I like the engine so far, but it feels like the steering is a bit on the jerky side

Noted. Currently I've changed it to half the deceleration and half the turning speed while rolling; I'll keep playing around with it.

and the jumping doesn't seem to work?

Doesn't work at all, you mean, or...? I'm definitely able to jump on my end, so if you weren't able to jump at all it might be something with the control bindings...

Also, at times it feels like it's a bit too much of that 'ludicrous fast'

I haven't really worried about setting a reasonable top speed yet, so that'll definitely be toned down.

Would like to try it in a more flat stage, though that has a balance of flat grounds and slopes; would really show how it feels in an actual stage.

Yeah it's been a long while since I've modeled anything and environments were never my strong point, so it's taking me a while to wrap my head around how to even go about modelling a level. Although...I guess I could try importing a level from some other game just to test...

[ImPantsAtThis]

I was wondering if you guys could help me with some writing. Since you probably don't know what my fanfic's about, here's the relevant context: It's set in a universe where Sonic and Tails are actors, starring in games of their old adventures from when they were heroes. It's been somewhere in the realm of about 10 years since they had their last rumble with Robotnik, who has since retired. This excerpt is from a chapter where they go in to the SEGA HQ to be briefed on their latest game (Lost World. Hey, I'm behind, so what? xD).

 

Anyways, in this piece, I'm not happy with how Sonic changes emotion. It has to be quick, considering it's blinding rage building in him, but I don't think the transition is as smooth as it could be. Anyone have any ideas about this? Also, feedback on the rest of the extract would be lovely if you feel like it.

 

The crocodile at the front spread his arms, marveling at the logo. “Ladies and Germs, Sonic Lost World! A story a’ action, friendship and unlikely alliances!”

The team was never too enthusiastic when it came to Vector’s announcements. Standing, locked in his open pose, the crocodile waited out the bored silence and straightened after a few seconds.

Changing the slide again to a crude storyboard of the Tornado chasing the eggmobile, Vector continued, “As some a’ ya will have read in the scripts I sent out, we open with Sonic an’ Tails chasing Dr. Eggman onto Lost Hex, a mysterious floatin’ planetoid.”

There was another slide transition, the new one showing one of Vector’s scribbles, this one of a seashell-type thing, surrounded by illegible scrawls.

“When our dynamic duo finally track down the good doctor, they see him using this conch,” Vector gestured to his illustration, “to control the Deadly Six, a bad-to-the-bone group of evil Zeti!”

Sonic managed to sneak a quick glance across the table, looking to Tails and Amy for their reactions. Tails, while looking at the projections, looked unimpressed with the display; leaning on the table, chin in palm and squinting as if the crocodile’s plans offended him.

Amy looked less at home, and more like she was watching a child performing an inappropriate play. Hand gently covering her mouth, she sat upright and stared on, not sure what to make of the animated croc describing his vision.

“Our hero, not knowing the full situation, kicks the conch outta’ Eggman’s hands, freeing the Zeti from his control and leaving them to endanger the world! For the first time ever, Sonic an’ Eggman’ll team up from the beginning to take down the threat to our world! And so, we called in the man himself, Ivo Robotnik, to guest star in Sonic Lost World!”

Sonic’s eyes shot to Tails.

The kitsune looked back at Sonic, holding his glare before mouthing a silent “What?” and turning back to the screen.

Eggman. This project was starting to smell.

The actor shut his eyes for a moment, taking a moment to calm his breathing. Vector was just hitting his stride, not even halfway through the presentation, but he could’ve just stopped at Eggman. That was the only thing Sonic needed to hear.

To think that Vector and SEGA could even think of working with that piece of scum, after all he’s done, made a red-hot rage bubble up inside of Sonic. It surged through him, furrowing his brow and clenching his fists as he absorbed the news further. He felt like he was going to be sick -- like the anger in him would overflow and engulf the room, destroying everyone around the table.

Oh, but he didn’t want that. He only had three people to speak to when this was over.

 

 

-- [Consider this about a ten minute time skip.]

 

 

After the meeting, Sonic cornered the slimy green crocodile by the projector.

“What the heck are is this, Vector? Eggman?”

“What’re ya talkin’ about? It’ll be perfect!”

“Are you kidding me?” Sonic moved closer to the project director. “You’re going to let a veteran mad scientist make a game about himself, in a heroic role? You’re insane!”

Backing away from the irate blue hedgheog, Vector tried to explain. “But, Sonic, think a’ the ratin’s; you’ll be a star again. This could put you back in the big time!”

As Sonic inched closer to him, the much bigger crocodile backpedalled further, eventually hitting the back wall.

Vector looked down at the hedgehog, his eyes begging for mercy. “Look, Sonic, a’ think tha--”

“I don’t care what you think.” Gritting his teeth, Sonic demanded, “I just want that creep out of my game, you understand?”

By the time the former hero had confronted the reptile, most of the boardroom had cleared out. Those who didn’t had quickly left when they saw Sonic T. Hedgehog go after his boss. The room was left in a near silence -- the only audible noise being the heavy breathing of the two quarrelling SEGA employees.

 

 

 

[spinny]

Trying to improve my overall work on how anatomy effects the shape a dress, shirt, pants, etc end up in when being worn. I just whipped this little test up in about... half an hour? I still feel like there's a lot wrong with it, though...

 

Any criticisms would be nice.

 

[FriendBot]

The head looks great but I think her chest is a bit bigger than it should but still great for the most part!

[JAiRO]

Trying to improve my overall work on how anatomy effects the shape a dress, shirt, pants, etc end up in when being worn. I just whipped this little test up in about... half an hour? I still feel like there's a lot wrong with it, though...

 

Any criticisms would be nice.

 

Well her forehead is really far off her head compared to her muzzle. She seems sort of hunched.

You seem to have pretty nice grasp of her anatomy, though.

[CelerinaTheJackrabbit]

Lay it on me. Throw everything you got at me. I wanna know what folks think of this, what should be done to fix it, and whatever you don't like or do.

 

https://soundcloud.com/celerinajackrabbit/nothing-left-to-lose-preview

[Spin Attaxx]

So I've moved to Paint Tool SAI and here's something I did. Thinking about making it a new avi once I add shading/remove the white space somehow. But what do you guys think of it?

 

[ImPantsAtThis]

Well, I have a WIP going at the moment and I thought I'd give this topic another try. It's going to be a oneshot, supposed to be comedic, but it just doesn't seem... funny to me. Bear in mind that this isn't finished by a long shot, I was hoping you guys could tell me what you think.

 

The train headed for the mystic ruins

 

It wasn’t fair. Sure, maybe she had taken those priceless gems from the local museum for no reason other than to satisfy her love of all things sparkly, but still – this was not fair. Maybe, just maybe, she’d also broken into her employers’ servers to give herself more days off and altered her records so she qualified for a raise, but come on; this wasn’t an appropriate punishment.

 

Rouge the Bat does not do manual labour.

 

Even when the Commander had sent over her uniform, she couldn’t quite believe it. “You never know, Rouge,” he’d said. “Having a real job might make you appreciate your position with G.U.N. a little more. It’s only for a few weeks – you’ll even get a paycheck!”

 

He’d sounded so happy, like getting rid of her was a weight off his back. He was doing more than just his job – he was sidelining her and enjoying it.

 

The Commander was the reason Rouge was sat working a 10-hour shift in a deserted train station in Station Square, accompanied by a broken radio that only played one song and some battle-axe of a supervisor that watched her like a hawk while she manned the PA system. It was supposed to be disciplinary action, but hardly anyone used the station, leaving her to sit around in her booth all day. That'd be fine if, y'know, there was actually stuff to do. But no-one, bar a few local idiots, ever came through the station, so the bat spent her time at work waiting for her shift to end at six.

 

And here came the idiots in question. A blue hedgehog punk with an attitude, followed by his snot-nosed fox friend, wandered around without the station. They looked clueless – every time they came in, they seemed to have no idea of where to go.

 

Well, another set of visitors meant she had to do her thing.

 

“The train headed for the Mystic Ruins will be departing soon.”

 

The blue hedgehog looked up, scanning the ceiling for... something. Brow furrowed, his gazed tracked a path on the wall leading down to Rouge in her booth. The two locked eyes, and he smirked.

 

He walked back out of the station, taking his bratty kid friend with him.

 

A few seconds later, the pair marched back in, the hedgehog's eyes firmly on Rouge's booth. Silence. For a few moments, neither side flinched; Rouge was curious as to the hedgehog's intentions, so she kept a wary eye on him. Eventually, the blue lost his patience, scowling and tapping his foot as he looked from her, to the ceiling, then back to her, then back to the ce-

 

Oh. He'd seen the speaker.

 

Rouge crossed her arms and stared back to him, slowly shaking her head. “No dice, hedgehog.”

 

Out of the blue, Rouge's supervisor appeared, clearing her throat.

 

“Ahem.”

 

“Yeah, what?”

 

The old cow's eyes narrowed. She looked from Rouge to the control panel.

 

“Ugh, fine,” Leaning into the microphone below her, the bat recited the line: “The train headed for the Mystic Ruins will be departing soon.”

 

A look of satisfaction shot across the hedgehog's face.

 

He zipped back out of the station at a speed that took Rouge by surprise. Must have been some kind of freak of nature, that one.

 

“Next time, trying doing your job when you're supposed to.”

 

“Mmhmm.”

Hopefully, you get why I wrote this. If not, then it's probably not gonna work as a joke. Thanks in advance guys.

[speedhog58]

I'm having trouble getting feedback for a script series I'm doing called Sonic Rebirth, I'm going to take it from classic all the way to modern and build up a canon that takes aspects from the games, archie and even fleetway, this is episode 4 of the series right now you can find the rest at http://danfryer.deviantart.com/gallery/48365661

 

W're near the begining shortly after Sonic meets Tails, at this point in time Sonic is 9 and Tails is 5 

 

CASINO NIGHT

 

TAILS MEETS SONIC WHO IS TAPPING HIS FEET COMICALLY FAST NEAR A TRAVELLING CIRCUS

Tails: Okay, I got quite a bit of money from the garage this week, but not THAT much, how’d you do?

SONIC PULLS OUT $75

Tails: WOW! How did you get all that money?

Sonic: Yeah…let’s just say it involved a favour, a circus and a VERY big hamster wheel…

Tails: We still need more money if we’re going to buy a new plane

Sonic: Yeah…if only I could buy back my dignity…

Tails: ???

Sonic: God I hate the circus….

 

(Title sequence SONIC BOOM)

 

Sonic: So, if we’re going to go on our little “treasure hunt” then we’ve got to find SOME way of getting a new plane

Tails: Hey, I think have an idea!

Sonic: Shoot

Tails: Well there’s this place a few miles from here where people can win money, it’s called a Casino

Sonic: Cool, how do you win?

Tails: I don’t know, I’ve never been to one, but the good news is that you can sometimes win loads from it

Sonic: And the bad news?

Tails: You…have to be with a grown up to go in…

Sonic: Oh don’t worry, I’VE got that covered

 

LATER THAT EVENING, AT THE CASINO, SONIC AND TAILS WALK UP TO THE ENTRANCE WHEN A HUMAN SECURITY GUARD SPOTS THEM

 

Guard: Hey kids! You can’t go in without-

 

SONIC BURSTS INTO TEARS

 

Sonic: I LOST MY MOM!!!

Guard: Uhhh…

 

SONIC’S CRYING FIT STARTS TO ATTRACT GLANCES FROM PASSING PEOPLE

 

Guard: Uhh…okay kid, calm down and tell me what happened

Sonic: (Sniffs) My Mom…brought me and my brother here to…eat at the restaurant part…

Guard: You’re brothers? But you’re different-

Sonic: He’s adopted…

 

TAILS WINCES, THE GUARD DOESN’T NOTICE

 

Sonic: I LOST MY MOMMMM!!!

Tails: When the crowds started getting bigger we got lost and now mommy’s gone in without us!

Guard: Well I…still can’t really let you in here, but maybe we-

Sonic: I LOST MY MO-!

Guard: Okay, okay I’ll let you wait in the office and I’ll try and find your mother, jeez…names?

Tails: I’m Miles Tailer and this is my brother Cinos Needlemouse

 

SONIC WINCES, THE GUARD DOESN’T NOTICE

 

THE GUARD LEADS SONIC AND TAILS INTO A SMALL OFFICE

 

Guard: okay, you kids stay here and I’ll see if I can find your mother

 

THE GUARD LEAVES THE ROOM

 

Sonic: Cinos Needlemouse? Seriously?

Tails: What? Cinos is Sonic spelled backwards and Needlemouse is what some people call hedeghogs

Sonic: Yeah well “some people” have SERIOUS issues…

 

SONIC AND TAILS LEAVE THE OFFICE AND GO INTO THE CASINO AREA

 

Sonic: Whoa, this place is HUUUGE

Tails: Look!

 

TAILS POINTS OUT A BIPLANE WHICH IS THE GRAND PRIZE AT HUGE PINBALL TABLE

 

Tails: It’s just what we want! It’s fast! It’s sleek!

Sonic: It’s BLUE!

Tails: …

Sonic: What? It is…

Tails: Yeah, now we just need to figure out how to play

 

A NEARBY GUARD OVERHEARS THE TWO

 

Guard: Good luck, its 18 and over kid

Tails: What does that mean?

Guard: Means you can’t play, hey where are your parents?

Sonic: Bathroom…

Guard: I meant hi-

Sonic: Brother…

Guard: But your-

Sonic: Adopted…

Guard: (sigh)…whatever

THE GUARD LEAVES

 

Sonic: Well NOW what?

Vector: AHHH DANG IT! I’M BROKE!

Sonic: Huh?

 

SONIC AND TAILS LOOK TOWARDS THE PINBALL CONTROLS AND SEE A CROCADILE  STOMPING AWAY FROM THEM, HE NEARLY COLLIDES WITH THE TWO BEFORE SONIC GRAGS TAILS AND JUMPS OUT THE WAY

 

Sonic: HEY! Watch where you’re going!

Vector: Whoa! Do that again kid!

Sonic: Do what?

Vector: The ball, the spin, the JUMPING thing!

Sonic: What you mean this?

 

SONIC JUMPS, SPINNING IN THE AIR AS HE DID SO

 

Vector: Yeah THAT! Could you do me a favour?

Sonic: If it has ANYTHING to do with a circus I swear I’m gonna-

Vector: No! No! I want you to climb in that pinball thing, curl up and pretend to be one of the balls and then help me get the jackpot!

Sonic: Okay…and WHY would I do that?

Vector: We’ll call it splits! I get the money and you…er…I’ll sell that PLANE and you can get the money!

Sonic: I don’t know, ever heard the phrase “Never trust a snake”?

Vector: Alright A: I’m a croc and B: That’s not the point! Listen kid, I’ve in loads of depth, you’ve gotta HELP me!

Tails: Sonnnic…

Sonic: (groans) ugh…somehow I KNOW I’m gonna-

 

5 MINUTES LATER

 

Sonic: -REGRET THISSSS!!!

 

SONIC BOUNCES WILDLY AROUND THE PINBALL TABLE, REPEATEDLY HITTING THE SIDES AS HE DID

 

Vector: To the left! LEFT!!!

Sonic: How am I supposed to know which way is left!? I’m rolling around at the speed of SOUND here!!!

 

SONIC GETS CAUGHT IN A NARROW GAP, RAPIDDLY HITTING THE TWO SIDES, A GUARD THEN APPROACHES THE TABLE WHERE VECTOR IS PLAYING

 

Sonic: OOF!!! OUCH!!! AHHH!!!

Guard: Uhhh...is that pinball screaming?

Vector: OH NO that’s just my…erm…BATTLE CRY I do when playing these things, ya know? “Oh, oh, yeaahhh!” Heh heh...

Guard: Sure…

 

THE GUARD WALKS OFF

 

Guard: Weirdo…

Vector: Alright! Now don’t move!

Sonic: What? Why? OWW!!

 

VECTOR FINALLY MANAGED TO MANOUVER SONIC INTO THE WINNING SLOT, THE WINNING ALARMS START GOING OFF

 

Vector: YES!!! JACKPOT!

Sonic: (muffled) Uhh…how do get out of here?

Vector: Uh oh…

 

MANY MINUTES LATER

 

Sonic: ugh…glad to be out of THERE

Vector: Good thing I always keep butter handy

Sonic: Yeah...I’ve never been so desperate for a shower

Vector: Alright then! I’ll just sell that pane and-

Tails: Wait! Err…sir we actually WANT that plane

Vector: Ahh don’t give me all that sir stuff, call me Vector, sure you can have the plane…a deal’s a deal after all uhhh…I have NO idea what your name is…

Tails: Oh, Miles Tailer, Cinos needle-

Sonic: Miles “Tails” Prower, Sonic the hedgehog…

Tails: Sonnnic!

Sonic: Hey! I just went through a sadistic table of horrors and then got covered in ancient smelly butter GIVE ME A BREAK!

Vector: Okaaay…well if your ever in need of my services then here’s my card

 

VECTOR HANDS SONIC AN HASTILLY HANDWRITTEN CARD SAYING “CHAOTIX DETECTIVE AGENCY” AND A PHONE NUMBER

 

Vector: Yeah, it’s kinda what got me in depth in the first place buuuut thanks to YOU I don’t have to worry about that

 

Sonic: Oookay thanks I guess, later Vector

Vector: Till next time!

 

SONIC AND TAILS MAKE THEIR WAY OUT OF THE CASINO WITH THEIR NEW PLANE AND SET IT UP FOR TAKE OFF

 

Sonic: Alright Tails let’s get moving…Tails?

 

SONIC TURNS AROUND TO SEE TAILS BEING HELD BY ONE OF ROBOTNIK’S ROBOTS

 

Sonic: SERIOUSLY? I turned my back for 1 second!

Eggman: (through speaker) Well a second was all I needed rodent! NOW to reclaim the artefact that was FOOLISHLY dropped from my ship!

Knack: (through speaker) What can I say? I was blinded when the moonlight shined off your bald head

Eggman: QUIET YOU!!!

Tails: SONIC! CATCH!

 

TAILS PULLS AN ARM FREE AND THROWS SONIC THE CHAOS EMERALD

 

Eggman: (through speaker)  Oh son of a…FINE! You may hold on to that gem for me for now hedgehog, but If you ever wish to see your friend ALIVE again I suggest you deliver it to me in the next 24 hours! Ta ta!

 

THE ROBOT BEGINS TO FLY OFF

 

Eggman: WHOO HA HA HA HA (cough) (cough) (splutter)

 

AWKWARD SILENCE

 

Sonic: Oh crud…

 

(credits sequence)

 

 

[Komodin]

Hey, guys. I do have a Work in Progress that I've been holding off on for a while now: it's an adaptation of sorts of Sonic the Hedgehog 4. Yeah, I know, it seems a bit ridiculous, but I just wanna give it a shot. Here's the first chapter of it that I wrote a while ago. If you can, tell me what you think of it.

 

 

Ah, peace and relaxation...

 

It has been seven months since the nefarious Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik has attempted to take over Earth. His latest attempt -- the moon-sized fortress, the Death Egg -- is but a faint memory in the public eye. During that adventure, Sonic the Hedgehog has made a new enemy, and later, ally in the enigmatic Knuckles the Echidna of Angel Island. With the floating continent back in the sky once more and the Death Egg mere scraps of metal floating in deep space, the trio went their separate ways. Knuckles went back to guarding Angel Island and its main treasure, the Master Emerald. Miles Prower, known to Sonic and his friends as “Tails,” journeyed to Cocoa Island for some R&R.

 

Sonic the Hedgehog, on the other hand, opted for a new locale for his vacation.

 

Relaxing on his beach chair, Sonic was watching the ocean waves splash lightly on the beach. The sun beamed down high above the shores of Splash Hill, the sky clear and blue as ever. With his radio blaring just a couple feet away, he was silently rocking his head back and forth, juggling a gold ring in his hand. His sunglasses were over his bright green eyes, shielding them from the sun’s rays. After a few seconds of one-hand juggling, he opened his mouth and let loose a loud yawn.

 

“Ah, this is the life...” Sonic muttered, smiling. “No badniks, no deadly traps, no killer factories, no creepy space stations, and absolutely no weird egg-shaped dudes. Just me, myself and I, chillaxin’ -- just the way I like it.”

 

As he gazed upon the ocean waves that flowed gently before him, a loud rumble suddenly rang out from his stomach. "Oh, time to eat!" Reaching over to his table, he picked up a small object wrapped in aluminum foil. Sitting up from his chair, he started to tear apart the foil. As he opened the foil-wrapped object, a spicy scent filled his nostrils. It was a scent he was most familiar with, yet still made his mouth water every time. The aroma enveloped him as he removed the foil cover and tossed it aside.

 

Resting in the palm of his hand was a jumbo frank wrapped in a crisp bun and slathered with a thick layer of chili. Little puffs of steam rose from the warm franks, lightly touching his muzzle. As the spicy aroma emitted by the chili dog lingered in his nose, his mouth started to water. All he could think about was the chili dog, biting down upon it, and savoring every bit of flavor he could taste.

 

"Ah…" he muttered, letting out a sigh. "A chili dog: truly a hedgehog's best friend. Bon appétit, Sonic…"

 

Just as he started to bite down on it, he suddenly heard a sharp, cracking sound off in the distance behind him.

 

“Target sighted: Sonic the Hedgehog!”

 

He snapped back into attention and looked up from the meal. His ears twitched and pointed back behind him. Teeth clenched, he turned his head toward the noise. Lifting up his sunglasses, he squinted his eyes and hummed.

 

He spotted a faint reddish spotted object speeding towards him. As the zooming object came closer and closer into view, Sonic could make out something similar in appearance to a giant ladybug. It had one single yellow arm out in front, with its eyes locked onto the confused blue hedgehog.

 

“Hey,” he muttered, hand over his eyes, “is that a ladyb--?”

 

Before he knew it, the bug-like figure smashed through Sonic’s table and struck his beach chair. The abrupt impact launched Sonic skyward, sending him flying towards the waves.

 

“Aaugh!” he screamed. He struck the water with a loud splash, sinking into the briny deep like a stone weight. Just a few seconds later, however, he came back up, gasping loudly for air.

 

“What the heck was that?” Sonic yelled, thrashing about in the water. He slowly, and haphazardly made his way back towards the beach, kicking his legs as fast as he could. Splashing down onto the sandy grounds, he fell to his knees, breathing in broken gasps.

 

“Exterminate! Exterminate!”

 

Looking up, he saw the figure destroying what was left on his table and beach-chair. The figure was a red ladybug-like robot, slightly bigger than him, with bluish-black spots on its abdomen. Instead of legs, it had a single, huge car wheel on its underside, making it look like a weird unicycle. Its mandible, built into a bug-like head, chewed on the remains of his radio. It hopped in apparent glee, sending broken chair and chili dog pieces flying around it.

 

Scanning the buggy machine up and down, Sonic gasped. “A Motobug?” he muttered, mouth agape. “How’d it get all the way here from South Island? I thought I trashed all those clunkers ages ago!” Getting back to his feet, with his hands over his mouth, he yelled, “Hey!”

 

“Huh? Huh?” The Motobug turned back towards Sonic and jumped back. “Target not killed! Target not killed!” it uttered, backing away from the blue hedgehog. “Retreat! Retreat!”

 

The bug robot, to Sonic’s surprise, did an about-face and, revved up his wheel and zoomed away.

 

“Hey!” Sonic yelled again, “you’re not getting away!” Crouching down, he curled into a ball.  After a couple seconds of spinning in place, he took off like a bullet towards the bug robot. He opened his eyes for a brief moment; first, he saw the Motobug jump in panic. Next, all he saw were a few bundles of colored wires with a slit-shaped hole in front. An even louder, though brief, buzz sounded off as he went through the wires and gears. Next thing he knew, he was back on the sandy beach ground, down on one knee and no worse for wear.

 

Just as he started to stand up, a loud explosion sounded off from behind. Sonic immediately crouched down, covering his face from it. The sky turned red and white as a fireball grew in size, wiping out everything in its path. Then, just as abrupt as it appeared, the fireball dissipated.

 

Looking up, he saw a small, blue Flicky bird right in the center of a circle of burnt grass where the Motobug once stood. The Flicky laid motionlessly on the singed ground, its eyes closed.

 

Oh no, Sonic thought, dashing over to the fallen bird. Looking down on it, he breathed a sigh of relief. Not only was the Flicky still breathing -- its chest puffed up and down at a normal pace -- other than a couple black spots of soot on its diminutive body, it was no worse for wear.

 

Slowly, he picked up the Flicky, careful not move any of its limbs. “Hey...” he muttered. “Are you alright?”

 

The Flicky groaned, opening its brownish-gold eyes. “Wha-where am I?” it uttered in a squeaky, girlish voice.

 

“You’re in Splash Hill,” Sonic replied. “Are you hurt?”

 

She silently looked at Sonic, squinting before finally making a loud gasp. “Wait, are you Sonic the Hedgehog? The Sonic the Hedgehog?!”

 

Sonic chuckled. “The one and only!”

 

To Sonic’s surprise, she immediately shot out of his hands and into the air, yelling, “Omigosh! Omigosh! It’s him! It’s truly him!” She flew around in a tight circle a few feet above Sonic, babbling incoherently; in between the gibberish, he heard his name over and tight. Sonic couldn’t help but be baffled by the weird display: one minute, the bird looked almost dead; next, she’s flying around as if it never happened.

 

After a few more seconds of circling, she dove down and, landing just a feet above the ground, grabbed Sonic’s hand. “Oh, thank you, Sonic! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” the Flicky yelled, shaking his hand so fast that she nearly knocked Sonic off his feet. “I honestly thought I was a goner there!”

 

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s n-no problem!” Sonic said, and the Flicky finally stopped, though still grinning cheerfully.

 

“Sorry...” she said.

 

“Eh, it’s cool,” Sonic said, smiling. “Just wanted to help. Say, you were in that badnik, right? Did you see who did that to you?”

 

The Flicky shook her head. “I honestly don’t know! I mean, I was just flying through the trees, minding my own business, and a huge claw-looking thing just came up out of nowhere and grabbed me! Next thing I knew, I was inside that bug robot, hooked up to some weird cords and gizmos and stuff!”

 

Sonic stroked his chin, intrigued by the Flicky’s comment. “Okay, so, you didn’t see any weird egg-shaped dudes around here lately?”

 

“No...?” the Flicky replied, raising her eyebrow. “Why would yo--wait, you don’t think...” She gasped. “He’s back?!”

 

Sonic shook his head. “I doubt it. After that whole ‘Death Egg’ deal went up in smoke, I doubt he has the resources to make a toaster, much less an actual badnik!”

 

“Well, something had to have put me in that robot thingy! I mean, is there really anything stopping that claw thing from attacking other people here?”

 

Sonic folded his arms, deep in thought. Did that “claw” had something to do with Eggman? If not, was there some copycat running around and turning animals into robots in the mad scientist’s absence? If Eggman did have something to do with the “claw”, did he have a secret facility here, just waiting to rise from the ashes of the Death Egg into an even bigger threat to the world?

 

“Okay,” Sonic began, nodding, “you do have a point. You know what? I’m gonna investigate this little mystery myself; whether or not it actually involves ol’ Robotnik, this thing, whatever it is, must be stopped!”

 

“Okay!” the Flicky said. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

“Well... er...”

 

“Lily.”

 

“Right. Well, Lily, I guess you can start by telling everyone you see that, if they spot some huge claw thing, they should run away from it!”

 

“Got it! If I see anything suspicious, I’ll tell ya right away!” And with that, Lily the Flicky flew off into the forest without another word.

 

With that settled, Sonic sighed to himself, looking skyward. “Welp, guess my vacation’s over... for now, anyway.” With a nod, Sonic took off into the forest, a new goal in mind: save the denizens of Splash Hill and stop whoever's in control of "the claw."

 

[JAiRO]

So I've noticed there have been a lot criticism requests, but not a whole lot of criticism given. Sorry about that folks, suppose that's just the nature of the thread.

 

*Lots of words*

 

You said this was supposed to be comedic, but I really just don't get the joke. The premise itself just doesn't seem that open to comedy, maybe you should change it a bit. I didn't get why you wrote it, as you said, so maybe that's why I'm not enjoying it.

 

Humor is highly subjective, so there really isn't anything I can recommend you to add. Sorry. 

 

So I've moved to Paint Tool SAI and here's something I did. Thinking about making it a new avi once I add shading/remove the white space somehow. But what do you guys think of it?

 

*Picture*

 

Much cleaner, that's a pretty great improvement. I'm going to recommend  you can work on how clothing behaves and basic human anatomy. Even if you're just going for a cartoony style, knowing and practicing basic human anatomy can be a life saver.

 

EDIT: You should probably go see Nepenthe's response, she's knows a lot more about this stuff than I do.

 

*You should probably spoiler this stuff*

 

That's a pretty neat little story. The pacing was way too fast though, I got lost multiple times and had to re-read sections just to understand what was happening.

 

Next time can you spoiler this stuff?

 

You can spoiler things by putting [spo iler] TEXT HERE [/spo iler] 

(Without the spaces between o & i.)

 

*Words*

 

Well first off, you're an excellent writer. I really enjoyed this, and honestly I wouldn't change a thing about it. Sorry I'm not a good enough writer to really criticize you with any valid points.

[Nepenthe]

Since I'm a visual artist, I feel the absolute best critique I can give is in fields related to that, so if you do that stuff and want critique, or even a red line, don't hesitate to poke me either by PM or a personal status update. With that said--

 

So I've moved to Paint Tool SAI and here's something I did. Thinking about making it a new avi once I add shading/remove the white space somehow. But what do you guys think of it?

 

 

SAI has really helped you out in terms of improving your line work, as it's much cleaner and more interesting than in past drawings. I've also seen that you've refined your style a bit, as your facial structure and overall body proportions have improved. At this point in your drawing career, I would say the biggest thing you need to tackle- before learning stuff like anatomy, perfect human proportioning, clothing, and everything else- is improving your skill in making things look more three-dimensional. In this specific drawing, the waistline of her skirt doesn't curve around her body at an angle great enough to conclude that she has volume in her abdomen. That in turn makes her look flat. So, I would start at the very beginning- just spend some time filling up pages with shapes, like so, from as many different angles as possible. Use real life objects if you have to. When you learn to grasp the idea of using line to suggest volume, it makes it much easier to grasp mechanics like realistic musculature and how cloth wraps around different objects.

 

I hope this hasn't discouraged you any. I've seen your desire to improve before, and I feel you totally can do so if you take it one step at a time, start at the beginning, and practice every day. Above all else, don't stop drawing!

[ImPantsAtThis]

You said this was supposed to be comedic, but I really just don't get the joke. The premise itself just doesn't seem that open to comedy, maybe you should change it a bit. I didn't get why you wrote it, as you said, so maybe that's why I'm not enjoying it.

 The train announcer from Sonic Adventure 2 has the same VA as SA 2's Rouge. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't think I'll publish it, it'll just be practice. Thanks for your help.

[JAiRO]

 The train announcer from Sonic Adventure 2 has the same VA as SA 2's Rouge. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't think I'll publish it, it'll just be practice. Thanks for your help.

 

No problem. That's an interesting factoid.

 

You should probably try to avoid using jokes that rely on very specific knowledge. Inside jokes are pretty much taboo when it comes to comedy.

[Spin Attaxx]

Hey, guys. I do have a Work in Progress that I've been holding off on for a while now: it's an adaptation of sorts of Sonic the Hedgehog 4. Yeah, I know, it seems a bit ridiculous, but I just wanna give it a shot. Here's the first chapter of it that I wrote a while ago. If you can, tell me what you think of it.

 

*story*

Pretty good, I have to say. I could visualise everything in my head, though I do wonder why the Motobug's explosion seemed less like a small pop and more like a DBZ-esque giant fireball (I think at least?).

 

Here's a WIP pic of an OC I did some time ago (and only really stuck with a design for with this one), and I'm hoping to figure out how to give lighting effects (as in, he has some lights on him) and a metallic shade to him:

 

 

Sorry if it's a bit small.

[Nepenthe]

Here's a WIP pic of an OC I did some time ago (and only really stuck with a design for with this one), and I'm hoping to figure out how to give lighting effects (as in, he has some lights on him) and a metallic shade to him:

 

 

Sorry if it's a bit small.

 

Everything you want to know falls under the really broad scope of "lighting:" basically, knowing how lighting acts on and through different materials.

To simplify it, you basically have matte materials- those which will have a smaller range of highlights and shadows- and shiny materials- those with a higher range. Metal and glass fall in the big "shiny" category (although they have their own physical properties), so you're going to have white highlights on all of them, and they will be hottest, or the most visible, wherever your light source is hitting it directly.

 

Now, the highlight on the glass tells me you put a major light source at the top left. Keep that consistent throughout the entire drawing. What I do now is draw a circle and shade it like this on its own layer to allow me to understand how my light source will hit everything, instead of playing it by ear.

 

If you know this, it's just a matter of looking up reference material- both actual metals and glass under similar lighting conditions as well as fictional robots- to get an idea on how they would look. Same with the smaller lights on the character. Those are going to interact with not only the robot, but with the main light source too! Again, reference and video tutorials are your best friend for this. You're going to have to sit down and study how primary and secondary sources react. That means lots of drawing and painting.

You better be drawing and painting a lot, i.e. everyday. I wasn't kidding when I told you to practice the last time. xP

[Spin Attaxx]

When I said lighting effects, I was thinking more along the lines of "how to use SAI to make electronic-looking light effects" (his head lights up when he speaks, the cape's made of light and his "brain veins" have little pulses of light that move in them), but this is still good advice!

 

(also the highlight on the glass was just there to make it more obvious as uncoloured lineart that it is glass and he doesn't just have a bizarre face, but I guess it'll be a light source (maybe his head and cape also function as one?) for this)

[SenEDDtor Missile]

Hey guys, I just rewrote and reposted Chapter 8 of my fanfic Our True Colors. Check the link here and tell me what you think: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9919657/8/Our-True-Colors

[ImPantsAtThis]

I have something in the works I'd like some feedback on. It's an almost-finished chapter from my Mass Effect fanfic, an M-rated Noir cop thriller set 5 years before the start of Mass Effect 1. It follows an alternate version of Garrus as goes from womanising, serially-drinking hotshot rookie cop living in his father's shadow to a meticulous, scrupulous detective, uncovering a conspiracy that could put him in handcuffs or a bodybag.

 

It's not my main project, but I care very much for the genre, so I've been slowly adding to it for a while.

 

Here it is. He's still a newbie to the force by this point, a few months into his service, so he's going to be brash and cocky, but like I said, he's new, so he's going to detach when killing to avoid thinking about it.

 

Italics denote Garrus' thoughts (read like speech).

 

Garrus raised his sidearm once again, holding it up in anticipation of the approaching mercs. Soon enough, they'd come around the corner, and they'd do it in full force. If there was anything a crooked outfit like Palus hated, it was when someone took them down a peg.

 

His eye trained on his Stinger's sights, the Turian had no trouble getting the drop on the first mercs to come around the corner.

Click. Click. Click.

The targets crumbled. A grim smirk crept across Garrus' face as they fell.

Never saw me coming.

The C-Sec officer pressed himself against the wall, and edged closer to the corner the mercs came from. He paused and listened. Nothing. Was that it? Were there only three guys helping their buddy get laid, or were the rest waiting around the corner, watching for Garrus to waltz out so they could fill him with holes?

Not taking any chances, the Turian rounded the corner, breaking into the next ally at speed. No-one. That really was it.

Then came a voice from behind. “Hey, asshole!”

Garrus spun to meet the voice, and his next victim, readying his weapon once more. Nothing.

“Hey, down here!” It came from one of the mercs' bodies. Looks like Command wanted a word.

How does he know where I am?

Garrus walked over to the corpse and knelt by its omni-tool. “Yeah, you looking for your boys? They tried to force a lady to dance and well, let's just say they won't be walking home. Or walking again. Or breathing.”

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, I'm just being polite,” Garrus assumed a mock-offense in his tone, “I thought it best that you should know the situation.”

“Well, since we're being polite gentlemen and all, perhaps I should inform you you're on camera.”

He looked up. There it was, a cheap little plastic camera mounted on the alley wall. It had probably been slapped on there by a Palus prick using the fabrication app on his omni-tool; if they could surveil a neighbourhood, they could control it.

“Aw, shit.”

“That's it. Smile and wave, fucker. Yeah, you screwed up, pal – or should I say Officer Vakarian? Oh, since we're still being polite: there's a 6-man squad headed your way. I hear they were good friends of the guys you just blasted. Have fun, there'll be more at home for ya.”

The link went dead.

Shit.

Eyes flicking left and right, Garrus looked for a way out. There was the street-level entrance, where he'd come in; the off-duty detective could try and blend in amongst the crowd. Or, he could go deeper into the alleys and hope against hope he wouldn't get lost and end up on a red sand dealer's knife. He pulled up a street-level map on his visor. There looked to be a route out further into the alleys, and it seemed to be well clear of any spots known for turning up corpses.

The turian set off with a jog, hoping to make decent progress in his escape. As he rounded the corner, disappearing from sight, he heard the sound of shuttle jets guided a team down to the scene. Then, voices. Apparently the mercs' buddies had taken exception to Garrus' little crusade.

Good thing I'm gone, then. Can't look back now.

–

It might have been a few minutes or a few hours. It felt like a lifetime.

Eventually though, Garrus had navigated the labyrinth of Zakera backstreets and had emerged into the cold, artificial light of the Citadel's night cycle, panting and hunched over. Catching him breath and taking a moment, Garrus looked over his shoulder.

The alley behind him was empty; just the same dark, wet and smoky passage he'd run through. More to the point, it looked like the Palus mercs hadn't caught up. Good.

Now... where to?

Going to the apartment was out of the question. Turning back and shooting for the club was a definite no. He was too far from the academy to take refuge there.

Of course, Garrus still had to keep moving.

The turian broke into a jog across the street, planning to put a few turns between him and the alley the goons were sure to be following from.

Looks like those fitness tests come in handy after all.

It took time, and a lot of breath, but Garrus worked his arms and legs into a rhythm, working up a good pace as he passed a small levo-deli and some electronics stores. As he kept going, putting less effort into maintaining the run, Garrus began to list off safe havens he could go to.

The whole neighbourhood (and likely the C-Sec in it) was on the Palus payroll. No running to the local station, then.

It was the best idea he'd had all night. Considering all he'd done so far was get drunk and piss off a few mercs, that didn't mean much.

Garrus pulled up his omni-tool. Scrolling through the contacts, he found his way out.

The cerulean Salarian.

With a click he was patched through to Gil's apartment. He just hoped the guy wasn't tucked in and ready to hit the sack.

Moments passed, and then a familiar high voice crackled over the channel. “Garrus?”

“Gil. Hey. Look, I'm in a jam here, and – it's a long story but the short of it is I need somewhere to lie low for a while. You know any Sec guys that live in Zakera?”

“A few. Two guys in the Zandetsu district – Rodgers and M'Nora.”

“Zandetsu?” The turian mumbled to himself, combing his mind for arguments for and against hiding out there. Zandetsu district wasn't much better than Garrus' neighbourhood; it looked a little cleaner, but that just meant the scum kept to the shadows. “Won't work. Zandetsu's crawling with mercs,” concluded Garrus.

“Let me guess: Palus?”

“Yup.”

“Shit.”

“Yup.”

A faint chuckle came through the comms. “There's a spare mattress on the floor at my place. Think you can make it?”

“Directions?”

“Just sent them to you.”

The turian officer's eyes floated down to his omni-tool.

Not too far.

“Yeah. I can catch a cab.”

“Gotcha. I'll put the beers on ice. Levo-only, of course.”

“Hey, screw yo-” The call cut off. “Damnit.”

––

After a five minute cab ride with the ward's chattiest Volus, who coincidentally turned out to also be its worst driver, Garrus staggered up to the entrance to Elysian Towers. It housed Gil's apartment, and it didn't look too shabby – the place was a hell of a lot shinier than Garrus' dump.

Right... floor 3, apartment 34. Let's see...

The turian was stood at the tenant list, looking for a button to hit so the Salarian could buzz him in.

“Gilbert Melarn, apartment 34. Perfect.”

Garrus pressed the little white button by the name plate and waited for the intercom to spark up.

“Yeah?” Gil's voice rang through.

“Hey. It's me. Open up.”

“My pizza's here already?”

The turian's eyes narrowed at the gag. “Funny.”

“Just a second then.” A small bzzz reached Garrus as the old partner let him in. “There you go.”

On his way up to Gil's floor, Garrus didn't notice much out of the ordinary. Sure, Elysian had a working elevator, mailboxes and other such luxuries, but that didn't make it Bekenstein. 

The spacing of the lines is messed up, I know, but there's no way of sorting it out without going through every line.

 

What do you think?

[Best Dude55]

Here's a music WIP I have of Sky road act 1. I tried to make it as good sounding as possible with my limited amount and quality of instruments: https://soundcloud.com/bestdude55/sky-road-wip