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I made this short little fanfic to see how good I am at fight scenes, how could I improve?


IHaveACaseOfSonicMania

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Sonic Fanfiction

 

Sirens wailed loudly, bright lights waved about, and a small fire sat in the center of Station Square. Out from the smoke emerged a half steel ball carrying a jet-pack on its back with bulky arms and thin yet tall legs with a neon pink light on the front. Inside laid a rotund man in red, his glasses reflecting the blinding chaos of flames. Orange sword wielding Egg Pawns ran around chasing innocents, with their lances high in the air.

                Suddenly, one of the orange pawn’s arms was thrown towards the metal dome shaped robot. “Hey Eggman!” Yelled a young yet enthusiastic voice, “You seem a bit hasty today. Shall I do something about that?” Eggman turned towards him, seeing a blue hedgehog with his arms crossed in the middle of the street with police cars behind him. “OH HO HO HO! You have no idea what you’re getting into Sonic!”

Eggman shot a bolt of yellow energy towards Sonic as he slid right under it right towards the mech, jumping up into the air. Eggman bent the mech onto its back to shoot out a bomb from its jetpack. Sonic stomped back down to the ground, releasing a blue shock wave. Eggman extended the mech’s hand out with as it swung towards Sonic, he jumped right over it and rolled into a ball, hitting the pink neon light with a strong force to knock the mech back a few inches. Eggman then shot a yellow bolt towards the road as it bounced up it hit Sonic in the face, spilling three rings from him. The mad doctor then swung his arm to squash the blue hedgehog, Sonic then rolled up and sped around the mech kick it in the back. The doctor then turned and grabbed Sonic in his metallic claw and prepared to blast him with a yellow bolt of energy, only to have its arm shot off by a blue laser of energy. As Sonic pulled himself free, he saw a red and yellow plane in the sky and yelled “Tails!” Eggman turned his attention to the plane and prepared to shoot a yellow bolt of energy towards the Tornado. Sonic then jumped up and reflected it back to him with an insta-shield, knocking the mech down to its back. “Don’t push your luck Sonic!”

Eggman launched to sky with the jet-pack of the machine, Sonic grabbed onto its yellow triangular foot. “Get off me rodent!” Eggman yelled, as Eggman pulled a lever back and forth rapidly, trying to shake him off. Eggman began to extend the arm out and prepared to swing it towards the tornado, only for Sonic to put his hands on Eggman’s face, blocking him of what he was doing. “HEDGEHOG!” The doctor yelled as the Tornado flew bellow the mech for Sonic to jump onto. Sonic flipped back onto the wing, “Glad your okay buddy.” Sonic told Tails, “Come back here fox boy!” yelled Eggman as the pink light on the mech grew brighter. “Oh no you don’t!” Tails exclaimed as he flew down. “HOLD STILL YOU LITTLE PEST, SO I CA- “Sonic kicked the back of the robot as Eggman turned back in shock. “So, you can what, Eggman?” “So I can do this!” Eggman said as he thrusted the remaining arm out to release a barrage of blue energy blasts towards Sonic. Sonic did a spin dash to move out the way, but the Tornado’s wing got hit by the blast. “No no no!” Tails said to himself, a little panicked. “What are we gonna do bud’?” Sonic asked, “Hold on!” Tails said as he angled the plane to face forward, as it started to tilt to the side. “So long, Sonic! OH HO HO HO HO!” Eggman said as he chipped a piece of the propeller off with another blue blast of energy.

The plane landed in a narrow street, just inches from a steep slope. “Tails! Are you okay buddy?” Tails jumped out, “Yeah, I’m fine.” The ground shook as the now one armed mech loomed over in the smoke, emitting a brighter pink neon light “End of the line, Sonic the Hedgehog!” The deluded scientist said with glee. He shot a large pink bolt out towards the two, leaving a gap in the ground, as Tails flew into the air while holding Sonic. “SPIKEBALL!” Eggman shouted as he shot out two round red bombs towards the two, “WOAH!” Sonic yelled as he jumped forward to spin dash into them, bouncing them back towards the doctor. The mech flew back as Eggman fell back into the cockpit, feeling dizzy. He looked up to see Tails holding Sonic in the air as the hedgehog leapt forth from the fox’s grip and rolled up. Eggman pressed a button, releasing a bundle of Egg pawns to pile up on the blue hedgehog.

“OH HO HO HO! Get past that you blue nuisance! OH HO H-“ Eggman was tackled by Tails, as he tried to grab the two-tailed fox by the leg, “I won’t let you…” Tails said as he slammed his fist down on a button, deactivating all the Egg pawns. Sonic busted forth from the robots, as he charged a super peel-out. He then ran towards the Eggman and rolled into a ball, speeding into the metallic dome. Releasing an explosion of  metal parts, leaving only one leg and the jet-pack on the machine’s back.

“Finished Egghead?” Sonic asked with a bit of snark. Eggman just breathed, exhausted and angered. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Sonic jumped off the mech, “Sonic look out!” Tails said as a long metal rope reached out towards Sonic, “AH!” Sonic exclaimed in a quick pain. “OH HO HO HO! FINALLY!” Eggman roared as he quickly turned the jets on and flew off, presumably back to his base. “Sonic, are you okay?” Tails asked. “Yeah bud’, I’m fine, dunno what that was.”

 

 

Note: Also, if you feel characters are, well, out of character, tell me if you wish.

Edited by IHaveACaseOfSonicMania
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If there’s one way I can advise you, it’s bunching your characters’ dialogue in the same paragraph. Don’t do that—it’s a pain in the ass to read.

I’ll show you how to fix that. Let’s take this passage as an example:

1 hour ago, IHaveACaseOfSonicMania said:

Suddenly, one of the orange pawn’s arms was thrown towards the metal dome shaped robot. “Hey Eggman!” Yelled a young yet enthusiastic voice, “You seem a bit hasty today. Shall I do something about that?” Eggman turned towards him, seeing a blue hedgehog with his arms crossed in the middle of the street with police cars behind him. “OH HO HO HO! You have no idea what you’re getting into Sonic!”

Eggman shot a bolt of yellow energy towards Sonic as he slid right under it right towards the mech, jumping up into the air. Eggman bent the mech onto its back to shoot out a bomb from its jetpack. Sonic stomped back down to the ground, releasing a blue shock wave. Eggman extended the mech’s hand out with as it swung towards Sonic, he jumped right over it and rolled into a ball, hitting the pink neon light with a strong force to knock the mech back a few inches. Eggman then shot a yellow bolt towards the road as it bounced up it hit Sonic in the face, spilling three rings from him. The mad doctor then swung his arm to squash the blue hedgehog, Sonic then rolled up and sped around the mech kick it in the back. The doctor then turned and grabbed Sonic in his metallic claw and prepared to blast him with a yellow bolt of energy, only to have its arm shot off by a blue laser of energy. As Sonic pulled himself free, he saw a red and yellow plane in the sky and yelled “Tails!” Eggman turned his attention to the plane and prepared to shoot a yellow bolt of energy towards the Tornado. Sonic then jumped up and reflected it back to him with an insta-shield, knocking the mech down to its back. “Don’t push your luck Sonic!”

Here it is rewritten:

Quote

 

Suddenly, one of the orange pawn’s arms was thrown towards the metal dome shaped robot. “Hey Eggman!” Yelled a young yet enthusiastic voice, “You seem a bit hasty today. Shall I do something about that?”

Eggman turned towards him, seeing a blue hedgehog with his arms crossed in the middle of the street with police cars behind him. “OH HO HO HO! You have no idea what you’re getting into Sonic!”

Eggman shot a bolt of yellow energy towards Sonic as he slid right under it right towards the mech, jumping up into the air. Eggman bent the mech onto its back to shoot out a bomb from its jetpack. Sonic stomped back down to the ground, releasing a blue shock wave. Eggman extended the mech’s hand out with as it swung towards Sonic, he jumped right over it and rolled into a ball, hitting the pink neon light with a strong force to knock the mech back a few inches. Eggman then shot a yellow bolt towards the road as it bounced up it hit Sonic in the face, spilling three rings from him. The mad doctor then swung his arm to squash the blue hedgehog, Sonic then rolled up and sped around the mech kick it in the back. The doctor then turned and grabbed Sonic in his metallic claw and prepared to blast him with a yellow bolt of energy, only to have its arm shot off by a blue laser of energy.

As Sonic pulled himself free, he saw a red and yellow plane in the sky and yelled “Tails!”

Eggman turned his attention to the plane and prepared to shoot a yellow bolt of energy towards the Tornado. Sonic then jumped up and reflected it back to him with an insta-shield, knocking the mech down to its back. “Don’t push your luck Sonic!”

 

I can better read an associate the action of the character that is speaking much more clearly. Each paragraph should be like a drumbeat of action going on in a scene—if you bunch them up too much, it’s harder to get the pace.

Edited by CrownSlayers Shadow
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