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I Gave All of the Paradox Pokemon Bad Pun Names Because I Had An Article Due Today and I Have No Shame


Lorekitten

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There's been an awful lot of green around these blogs recently, hasn't there? Well, while DreadKnux gets that all sorted out, and the rest of us gleefully await tomorrow's Nintendo Direct, it's time for your regularly scheduled dose of Lorekitten. This article won't be terribly serious, but it will address an important issue among many of Gen 9's legendary Pokemon -- although 'important' may be a matter of opinion on this point.

So I have this friend called Mischief Monkey on YouTube who is the prince of puns, and I say prince because he says his father is even more of a punster than he is, meaning his father is the king of puns. This particular article is dedicated to them both. Alas, I fear few if any of my own puns are quite on their level, but I shall try my best.

It should be noted that the only two paradox Pokemon not to be given names on this list are Koraidon and Miraidon, as they already have both paradox names -- Winged King and Iron Serpent, respectively -- and actual Pokemon-esque names. Granted, Koraidon and Miraidon sound nothing like Cyclizar, but I'm not going to let that stop me from making all the new names of the other paradox mons sound like the names of their inspirations, with one notable exception early on.

Great Tusk = Khanphan. Admittedly this one took me a while to come up with, but replacing 'Don' with 'Khan' seemed like the proper glow-up this mon deserves. I also briefly considered 'Donkhan' but that sounded way too much like Donkey Kong.

Scream Tail = Wailgglytuff. While this particular name derives from the evolved form of Jigglypuff rather than Jigglypuff proper, it was actually the first name I came up with that sprouted this entire article, so of course I was going to keep it. It's one of my better ones if I do say so myself.

Brute Bonnet = Humonguss. This took a while to come up with and quite frankly I'm not sure why, given how obvious it seems in retrospect.

Flutter Mane = Hissdreavus. Technically we don't know if pterosaurs hissed, but I'm not convinced this is even a pterosaur to begin with, no matter what Occulture says, so I'm sticking with it.

Slither Wing = Skulkarona. I needed something to pun off of Volcarona that sounded appropriate for a giant extinct bug, so here ya go. Definitely one of my favorites.

Sandy Shocks = Slagmeton. I'm not sure if this is the best pun to use for a Ground type in general, but given how slag is produced, it works well for a paradox form said to be a Magneton that 'lived' for ten thousand years. I wonder if it knows Mamoswine and Wartortle.

Iron Treads = Tronphan. I have no shame. This is not the only future paradox that will have 'tron' in its name. Not in the slightest.

Iron Bundle = Delibot. Not exactly the cleverest choice, but it gets the point across. I also considered 'Helibird' except that it doesn't actually have any helicopter elements, but certain competitive players would find that name appropriate for reasons which are not entirely in keeping with Pokemon's kid-friendly image... but Pikachu did swear a bit in the Detective Pikachu movie, so who knows?

Iron Hands = Harihamma. I don't think this one needs any lengthy explanation.

Iron Jugulis = Hydrengine. Another pun that I'm disproportionately proud of because imo it's so bad that it's good.

Iron Moth = Volcarotor. Side note, I have no idea why Iron Moth is the one Paradox Pokemon to get the Poison type.

Iron Thorns = Tyranitron. Originally dubbed "Tekranitar" but this is objectively cooler in every way possible; also, spelling 'tech' as 'tek' made the name marginally edgier but also made its origins too obscure to really work.

Roaring Moon = Salamenace. I refuse to apologize because that is absolutely perfect.

Iron Valiant = Gallevoir. This is my one suggestion that isn't actually any sort of pun on the original name. Reason being, I needed something with both Gardevoir's and Gallade's names referenced, and fusing them the other way gave me Gardelade, which sounded way too much like Gatorade, so I had to fuse them this way. Please understand.

Walking Wake = Suikong. I'd already used 'khan' for Khanphan, and I felt 'kong' better fit Walking Wake's general monster aesthetic -- seriously, I've said this before and will say it again, Walking Wake is Suicune's mascot horror form and nothing can ever convince me otherwise.

Gouging Fire = Enterror. I originally wanted to go with 'Entear' to reference the 'Gouging' part of its original name, but Enterror fits considerably better. 'Entyrant' is another option, but given that we've already got a Tyranitar paradox mon and Enterror just sounds better, Entyrant wound up on the cutting room floor.

Raging Bolt = Railectrocute. Okay, so this one is considerably longer and more complex than it has any right to be given the context, but I liked it too much not to use it, and let's face it, I couldn't think of anything else that really fit what's pretty much a parody of Raikou.

Iron Leaves = Virizitron. Probably the lowest hanging fruit, but it's cooler than my original concept, so I'll take it.

Iron Boulder = Terrakitron. Originally these were all going to end in 'neon' instead of 'tron,' but Iron Boulder came out spelled 'Terrakneon,' and it looked like the K was silent. Also, 'tron' just sounds better all around.

Iron Crown = Colbalitron. Yes, five of the future paradoxes have 'tron' in their names, but it's at least better than all of them having 'iron' in the name like we actually got.

And with that, the curse is over. No more pun names, you can all go home now.

 

WAIT --

 

I do have four more for the Treasures of Ruin!

Okay, a bit of context. These particular names were created to tie into... a project... that I will not name here because their appearance in said project constitutes spoilers for said project. But I wanted to come up with more Pokemon-esque names for the Treasures of Ruin to better fit in with that project's vibes, and also because while I do like the canon names of the Treasures of Ruin, I also liked the idea of coming up with more traditional names for the four, and since this article was already me renaming Gen 9 legendaries, there was no good reason not to share them here as well.

Chien-Pao = Saberbane. This one isn't so much 'pun' as 'epic,' and that was entirely the intent. Chien-Pao is personally my favorite of the Treasures of Ruin, largely because it is ambiguously either a mustelid, a snow leopard, or a sabre-toothed tiger, all of which are really cool mammals. So, yeah. Saberbane.

Wo-Chien = Utterrune. While my goal for all of these names was to make them sound as cool as possible, I managed to work a double meaning into Wo-Chien's name because while it sounds like 'Utter Ruin,' its literal meaning is to, well, utter a rune. Runes are used to write on surfaces such as tablets... such as the tablets on Wo-Chien's back. And they are after all the Treasures of Ruin. This is arguably my favorite renaming of the four.

Chi-Lu = Beaddown. Another double entendre, which I don't think I need to explain because nobody likes having a blantantly obvious joke explained to them like they're five.

Ting-Lu = Bowlover. I'm... not sure how much I like this one; sure it fits well with the blanket theme of naming all the Treasures after the objects they've spawned from and what they'll do to you if you cross them, but when you look at the name as a single word, the 'over' looks like 'lover' and that doesn't flow quite as well as I want it to. This is probably the most likely name to be altered before the project sees print.

And that's my renaming of Gen 9 Pokemon that had less than traditional species names! Honestly, I'm kind of surprised that Game Freak stuck with the Paradox Pokemon naming scheme instead of doing what the Ultra Beasts did with giving each beast a code name and a proper name. But then, given how rushed ScVi was and how unconventional it was compared to previous generations, maybe I shouldn't be surprised that this was also done differently. In terms of games being rushed, I just wish Galar had given us the eighteen gym leaders we'd been promised... But that could be its own article somewhere down the line. You never know what the future could bring.

Well, you do if you use Sada and Turo's time machine, but that's what got us into this mess in the first place, didn't it?

---

Breaking news: the rogue future paradox form Gardelade has escaped from its sealing within the darkest depths of Area Zero and now threatens to destroy all life in the present day by feeding all other future paradox forms its super-powered Booster Energy Drinks. Please share this article with your pun-loving friends to spread awareness of this existential threat to our ecosystem and to warn them against consuming said Booster Energy Drinks, which are only digestible by robots and will very likely eat through your stomach lining.

Just thought you'd like to know that.

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