The History of Sonic, as told by 1UP

The History of Sonic, as told by 1UP

1999, Sega Headquarters

“Hey boss! It seems the kids really liked Sonic Adventure, except for uh… every character that wasn’t Sonic. Also, the adventure. What should we do for the sequel?”

“Hmm… Sonic Adventure 2! Add new characters, some all new adventure… it’ll be a hit, I tells ya, a hit!”

2001, Sega Headquarters

“Well boss, Sonic Adventure 2 was received pretty well, but people still want nothing to do with those side-characters. What now?”

“Hmm… Sonic Heroes! This time, we’ll force them to play as side-characters even while playing as Sonic! It’s genius, I tells ya, genius!”

2004, Sega Headquarters

“Boss, Sonic Heroes didn’t go over very well. I really think we should listen to the fans, and pare it back down to just Sonic alone. What do you say?”

“Hmm… Shadow the Hedgehog! Kids love the streets, see. You know, gansta lifestyles? They won’t even care about Sonic once we give them a look-alike with a motherf***ing gun. Thug life, yo!”

2006, Sega Headquarters

“Well boss, kids hated Shadow the Hedgehog. Can we please, please just make a normal Sonic game this time?”

“Hmm… all right, fine, we’ll do things your way, college boy. Hell, we’ll even call it Sonic the Hedgehog; you know, old-school, as the kids say. But hey, I got a great idea — let’s bring back those annoying as hell side-characters for no reason and add a creepy-ass storyline where Sonic tries to have sex with a human woman.”

2008, Sega Headquarters

“Boss, Sonic is a laughing stock. People hated the last game. I’m afraid to even ask, but now what?”

“You should be glad you asked, pal, because I’m seriously taking your advice this time. I know when I’m beat. We’re making a back-to-basics Sonic, the way fans have wanted for nearly ten years.”

“Re…really? Do you mean it?”

“Yup! And this time, Sonic will turn into a goddamn werewolf.”

2010, Sega Headquarters

“Boss, I don’t even care anymore. What’s your next horrific assault on our classic mascot?”

“Why, only the greatest Sonic game ever, my boy! Behold — Sonic & Ronald: McDonald’s Snack Attack!”

I’d like to thank 1UP  journalist, Kris Pigna, for writing this hilarious, fictional (and yet, probably true) retrospect of SEGA’s development process.  I couldn’t have laughed and agreed more.  Hopefully, the year 2010 doesn’t pan out like he says it will.  Even if it does, the fandom will still be around to complete “THE CYCLE” upon every subsequent Sonic release.


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Slingerland is a staff writer and editor for both The Sonic Stadium and Sonic Retro. His area of emphasis is the inner-workings of the games and laughing at everything.